A Letter to The One I Love But I Chose to Hurt

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Dear Love,

I love you but I don’t know if it’s true, if it’s enough, or if it’s safe anymore. Right now, I’m doubting myself as much as my heart’s capability to return the love you give. I’m asking my confused self why of all people on earth, you are the one whom I chose to hurt.

I swear to God that on that moment, I never felt so rude, naive, and insensitive in my entire life. 

It was 3 AM, and the rain was pouring hard like how your tears were falling on your cheeks. You called with a shivering voice and begged me ‘Why?’ That was the longest 30-second silence we ever had. It was a pause that connected us in such a  way that our typical conversations never did. As you were there feeling pain with a rate of ten, on the other line, I was feeling numb. I never thought that sadness and pain could be this contagious.

I pricked your heart with blunted words that you never deserved. From that moment, you started to realize how I was such a huge mistake to your life because it felt like you were shot blind. The one whom you believed to raise you from the shadows was unexpectedly the one who put you to it, worse, who crushed you to bits. I showed you the reality of  being hurt while truly loving the one you chose to love.

Ultimately, I was one of the thousands who proved how imperfect love could really be.

 

I would be lying if I said that I planned it in the first place, but I would definitely be lying if I said that I didn’t mean any of them. You were wrong about me, but I was more wrong on hurting you. The words I spoke was as irrevocable as the pain you felt. I know it was an unforgettable sin that time could barely heal. 

But, I hope that your heart will still remain open and save a space for me. I pray not that I would be forgiven now, but would be forgiven after proving that your love deserves more than the one that I used to show. I am completely aware that scars don’t heal overnight, especially those that underwent the extremes; Scars exist to remind you the memories of the bitter past.

Our love should have been perfect, but I chose it to be crooked. 

Accept my deepest apology, my love. Please, come back.

With you always,

Jenishia

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